Dealing with Death

Death. It's something I don't deal well with, though I am sure many people can relate. I mean who likes to deal with it. But I feel like it is extremely hard for me. Maybe it's because I haven't dealt with it very much. I mean even my childhood cat lived 21 years and I was 26 years old when she died. I still have three living grandparents. My Poppy (my maternal grandfather) died when I was in kindergarten. I remember going up to his casket and poking him thinking he was playing "possum." We used to play that together. Then my Great Granny Sanders died when I was 8. I was so young when they both died and I don't really remember a whole lot about the funerals or anything. I didn't really have to "deal" with it then. I was a kid.

I was 19 when my Great Grandma Ruth passed away, she was 96. She had lived a beautiful life and died peacefully in her home state of Iowa. This was the first time I had to deal with someone so close to me passing. I remember traveling to Iowa to her funeral. I remember all of the family seemed so at peace with her passing. The funeral was a "celebration of her life." Everyone seemed to be dealing so well with her death. No one seemed upset. They knew it was her time and that she was at peace in Heaven. I was heartbroken. I was the youngest grandchild and I hadn't gotten to spend as much time with her as everyone else there had gotten to spend with her. I wanted her to see me get married, to see me have children. I wanted her too see me happy. I wanted her to still be here. Looking back I know how selfish that was of me. Wanting her here when she was ready to go. I know Great Grandma Ruth is looking down on me from Heaven and smiling at my little family. I just know she is. I felt it that day on Grayton Beach... her favorite beach.

Since Grandma Ruth's funeral, Andy's granddad and grandmom passed away. Their deaths were hard for me to deal with as well. I hadn't had the time to get to know them as well as I had wanted. Luke was only 10 months old when his granddad passed, and 2.5 when his grandmom died. Neither one of them ever got to meet Emma. That makes me sad. They were both such wonderful people. I remember fighting back tears at Andy's grandmom's funeral. I was afraid someone would catch me crying or wonder why I was crying. I didn't want anyone to feel like they needed to comfort me, when I was the one that needed to be comforting them.

Tonight was my Great Uncle W.T.'s visitation. It was a very moving visitation. W.T. was a retired Fire Chief, so two fireman were "standing guard" by his casket. Every 10 minutes they would switch... it was quite moving. Visitations are hard for me. I struggle walking up to the casket. It's hard. It's hard to face that reality that that person is actually gone. It was particularly hard for me tonight. I couldn't walk up to the casket tonight. I just sat down in front of it with Luke and my Nannie. The last time I saw W.T. was in October at our family's place on the river. I could tell he was sick, but he was still walking around and taking care of the family place on the river. His death seemed so sudden... well as sudden as an 89 year old death really can be. I guess to me W.T. seemed like he would live forever. He was shot in the head in France during WWII... luckily the bullet got lodged in his helmet. He was a fireman and fire chief in Jessamine County for 33 years. He put his life on the line every day. He kept up our family's place on the river. I think just last May he did the hike down to the river at 88 years old. W.T. was my sweet Nannie's brother. She is really struggling with his passing as they were only 18 months apart and very close. Here's a picture of Nannie and W.T. with two other siblings, Meredith and Ann at Nannie's 90th birthday last September. There are now only 3 out of 10 left in my Nannie's generation.

Here is the link to his obituary. I think it's good read and tells you more about what an amazing man we really was.

http://web1.lovinghonors.com/cgi-bin/CompanyInternal?stdout+116+hagerandcundifffunerals.com+102+4+1351


Here's a picture of W.T. as the grand marshal of our local town parade, just last October.

I also struggle to find the right words to say at a visitation or funeral. All I can do is to give hugs. I hope that's good enough. Maybe that's better than finding the right words.