So I've been on edge. Since the whole Newtown shooting I've been on edge. I didn't really realize it until today when in one moment the "edge" was gone. Until today, I've been living in fear and worry. I've been more suspicious (read- judgemental) of those around me. Always thinking the worst of people, and living life fearfully and no longer living joyfully. That is what I've let this world do to me. There are two particular incidents that come to mind. A few Sundays ago while about half way through mass, a strange man walked in and sat in the pew of the people who at the moment were taking up the gifts. He had tattoos on his neck, a beanie hat on his head, a long "dagger-like" earring in one ear and wasn't dressed very nicely... not your typical "St. Luker." I immediately thought the worst... He is going to pull out a gun and kill us all here in the church. It was going to be all over FOX news... shooting at St. Luke in Nicholasville, KY. I was imagining all this in my head. Then he got up and walked into the back of the church (the vestibule). This really got my heart racing... what is he doing back there??? Loading his rifle??? ugh. I literally wrapped my arms around both Luke and Emma. Nothing happened (obviously)... turns out this man has been attending daily mass at St. Luke. sigh.... so judgmental of me! Why was I so convinced everyone was bad?
A few weeks later Emma, Isaac and I were sitting in Subway having lunch. A man in a long oversized black parka with the hood over his head walked into Subway with his head down and hands in his pockets. Okay... this time I really thought he was going to rob the place or shoot someone or something. What is wrong with me?? He didn't. He walked up the counter and asked if Subway was hiring and then walked out the door. This "man" I thought was going to rob us, was just a kid looking for a job. sigh. A few days later I saw this kid walking down Edgewood Drive. He seemed so lost.... searching for something.
I've been checking my door to make sure they are locked each night.... two and three times, jumping a noises in the night.... been distrusting of people.... so confused..... caught up in this world... in MY safety.... in my well-being.
Fast forward to today... After preschool today, Emma and I went down to Great Clips to get her hair trimmed. As we were heading home I saw the kid in the long black parka standing on the corner by Hardees. This time his hood was down and he was holding a sign, "Will Work for Food." He seemed so sad.... such a different image than when I had seen him weeks before when the hood over this head... just so sure he was going to rob the Subway or worse kill us. He was so vulnerable standing there in the cold.... begging for help.
I could've just driven passed him, but I couldn't. There was some reason I keep seeing this kid. I turned the car around. Headed to Kroger. Got Emma and Isaac out of the car and into the cold. We grabbed some apples, milk, and a $25 Kroger gift card. As I was waiting in the check out line. The man with the tattoos on his neck and dagger earring I'd seen at mass got in line RIGHT BEHIND me. He was getting some groceries with who I assume to be his wife and child. So much less intimidating this time. He of course had no idea who I was or how I'd judged him just weeks before. God was working on me.
I drove back to the corner where the boy in the black parka was standing. I parked as close as I could and got out. I left Isaac and Emma in the car for a minute. I walked up to him and handed him the Kroger gift card and told him it was for him. His eyes lit up. I said, "God Bless You." He looked at me and in the meekest, "lispy-est", and kindest voice said, "God Bless You." I turned around and walked back and got in the car. I began to cry. In that moment I am not sure who helped whom more. He picked up his sign and put it in his backpack and walked toward Kroger.
All the sudden as I sat in the car... I felt a peace... the fear I had seemed to be gone in that moment. Honestly I can say I felt weight lifted from my shoulders... literally. In that moment, somehow my faith in humanity came back. God was sending me a message. I did not need to worry. He was holding me in the palm of his hand. He was protecting me. I needn't worry any longer. I needed to live joyfully again. and I am. Thank you God for the lesson today. I feel peace. again.
